PREDATORS (2010)

- My biggest issue with the film was the sheer number of times when a character did something that was nonsensical on a purely logical level. The most glaring (or at least closest to the end) moment that this struck me: when Brody takes off to befriend the normal sized predator, does so, runs away mid-predator battle and then just leaves the Israeli commando and the then-innocuous Topher Grace in a pit where, when he is inevitably soon victorious, the mega-predator will proceed to immediately spinerip the shit out of them. Like, did his character realize the dramatic value of just leaving them there for a bit, even if it meant that they might be hashmeat by the time his clever plan played out? I also thought the part where he intentionally summons a mega-predator to the labyrinthine and tight confines of the abandoned spacecraft inhabited by Morpheus was ludicrous. What back-against-the-wall situation could POSSIBLY be worse than that? "We're in a tiny, crawlspace-heavy ship with next to no resources... let's summon our mighty and unforgiving adversary to help free us!" Sure but no.

- By similar accord, the biggest difference between this and the original is the way in which characters are developed. In the original, the characters are rapidly introduced, developed (however briefly) and then thrown into the conflict. In PREDATORS, the development is threaded throughout the narrative, which makes the audience give much less of a shit about who the characters are or why they are doing what they are doing. As black and white as the original seems in contrast, the rapid character rollout dovetails so much better with the themes of almost ANY action film. The middling attempt to push some kind of message, only to abandon it by the film's end, seems extremely foolish.

- I heard not one but two people in the showing that I was at suggest that the IDF sniper was "the girl from the original". Like, are you even listening to the words?

- On that same note: why did a rank-and-file (by all accounts) Israeli soldier get briefed about the existence of predators? I can only imagine the conference room filled with thousands of soldiers, headed up by a general saying, "Now... I know it's EXTREMELY unlikely that you will ever come across one of these things... but if you do, here is what we know:" WHA'? And then she remembered every last detail?! Goddamn it, why is this movie so lacking in the brains dept.?! Also, when Brody was like, "You knew why that thing was there!", I thought that she was going to admit that she was luring PLO agents with an injured comrade then sniping the shit out of their brainstems.

- I really, REALLY hope that the befriended predator was not supposed to be the same predator as the one from the original despite their aesthetic similarity because... WHY?! Why would that be important to the arc of these characters! It isn't!

- OK, I did laugh at the "do so much coke" line. Why the FUCK did it have to be followed by a rape joke? Seriously? You couldn't write any other line that would explain how CRAZY that Joe Pantaliono-looking skinnyman was without resorting to rape jokes? Just awful. My disgust was later compounded by the dude sitting a few rows behind me who, when Brody was consoling the paralyzed and injured Israeli sniper after dispatching with the nefarious Grace, declared that "Now is the time, bro! HIT THAT SHIT!" Faith in humanity: waning.

- I won't even address that fat-fuck Larry Fishburner cameo.

- This is minor, but Topher suddenly and inexplicately regains the use of his walking after getting some serious ligaments and shit shredded just right prior to the part when he uses the obvious first-act-gun of a paralyzing toxin knife to disable the lady in the pit.

- On that note: who was on the predator "Good Prey Selection Committee" the day that they opted for both Topher's third-act psychopath and the Joe Panataliono turdsack with a shiv as potential adversaries for 9'-tall death machines equipped with shoulder lasers? Like maybe their stable psyches could somehow enable them to outwit the feral veracity of giant murderslabs?

- Why the HELL was such an explicate homage to the original as Brody running around covered in mud and screaming, "C'MON! KILL ME! I'M RIGHT HERE!" needed? They couldn't have shot that exact same scene without having him directly aping the climactic attire and dialog of the original? Who ARE these wretchedly shitty screenwriters? It's a saddener.

- I understand that the extended samurai sword battle was some half-ass attempt to visually reference classic Japanese samurai cinema, but why did it have to be so corny, sound-stage-y and horribly limp? Also, it does not speak to the strength of the script that the yakuza assassin was one of the more sympathetic characters despite speaking less than ten English words through the entirety of the runtime.

- Two different alternate endings that would have been hugely superior to the actual ending:

1) The camera spins around to reveal what Brody is marveling at to reveal... an '80's-era chopper! As the chopper approaches ground level, Arnold, revealed to be sitting in the chopper's side, throws them a rope and says, "LET'S GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!"

2) The crates from the original ending fall to the ground. The door to the crate closest to Brody et al. blasts open to reveal an ebony void. Suddenly, a pair of red eyes light up and the TERMINATOR 2 theme plays. Cut to black screen, credits.

- I hope that the "Russian" chain gun guy wins the governorship of MN or some other Midwestern state in the next 20 years.